Thursday, July 2, 2009

Where Dirt comes from: July 2, 2009

Well, we all knew it was possible; we knew it could happen; we just didn’t believe our silly selves.
These swarthy badboys will of course live to greatly regret this foolish and sordid macho-Mafioso-maneuver ‘til hell won’t have it! *Aunt Prinvi didn’t raise no yodummy!

*Note: Prinvi isn’t my real aunt. My parents had abandoned me on the Shady Avenue Bridge that overlooks the beautiful yet treacherous Yogogo River at the tender age of 3 1/2. They saw fit to plop me there with a box of animal crackers, 2 juice boxes, a blanket, a small pink pillow, my favorite stuffed animal, ‘Grrrrrr’ (a cheetah), and a note explaining to whoever found me that they could no longer endure me, e.g. ‘free to good home’.

Prinvi happened upon me while taking her regular morning constitutional. I was covered in dirt and mud (I had presumably been playing down by the water) and galloping merrily along the wide concrete rail of the bridge with Grrrrr in tow, neighing and snorting like a horse at an ear-splitting pitch. Prinvi calmly approached me with a large handful of dewy green grass while telling me what a beautiful horse I was indeed, to which I responded with yet another whinny and resounding snort, afterward allowing her to coax my wild-n-wooly spirit to safer ground. She fed me an animal cracker out of the palm of her hand telling me it was a sugar cube, proceeded to systematically collect my few articles, and then marched me to her house with me moving along at a very handsome horsey trot. And that was that. She never reported finding me to the police, and the papers never mentioned a lost or missing child. So, I was hers for happily-ever-after.

Aunt Prinvi eventually found the ways and means to get the necessary falsified legal documents so that I could flourish like any other well-adjusted abandoned child. Our story has always been that I was the child of her deceased sister. Aunt Prinvi does have a sister, Linda Lou, but she is very much alive and well and in on our little secret.

Anyway, y’all need to know that I’ve been taken hostage by Mr. A and his salty-sea thugs. Please DO NOT inform the WPP authority’s that I am being held captive on Mr. A’s yacht, ‘Porpoise in Life’, against my will! I am totally pissed and these cracker-jacks have no idea how miserable I am going to make their pathetic sweat-stained lives! I was an abandoned child for a damn good reason! Please get word to my Aunt’s Prinvi and Linda Lou – There will be some ass kickin’ happening soon, and it won’t be ‘Yo’!

Shit! Gotta go! Someone’s coming!

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