Basking: June 30, 2009

Mr. Alvarez’s personal bodyguard, Molotov (a very scary dude), fetched me today to see Mr. Alvarez at the hospital. Mr. A was alert and talkative, as well as insistent that I remain in Cuba (his treat) until we can complete our negotiations. I agreed and have returned to the hotel with the intentions of basking on the beach and getting quietly & enthusiastically schnockered whilst acquiring a much needed beautifying tan. Molotov volunteered to slather my lily white yo@ss with tanning butter, but I politely declined his invitation. He smiled and said something in spanish then walked away chuckling. It is highly likely that I will have to bitch-slap him at some point, depending on my PMS fluctuations.

'Thriller': June 28, 2009

My hangover knocked me on my yo@ss for two full & miserable days. I have been informed that Mr. Alvarez came out of his coma (briefly) several hours ago. To further add to this bazaaro situation, the bellboy burst into my room yesterday morning yelling ‘my kill jock soon dade’. Naturally I heard the word ‘kill’ and pulled my gun on him. After much pleading and groping at his nether regions, I realized he was telling me that Michael Jackson was dead. I put my gun away and gave him $20 to forget about it….

Cuban Hangover: June 26, 2009

I’m afraid I drank quite heavily with Mr. Alvarez all of yesterday and last evening. I am too hung over to negotiate. I don’t think this will be a problem, as Mr. Alvarez went into an alcohol induced coma at approximately 1:23 this morning, and has been hospitalized……

Note: Mr. A and I ended up getting along quite well, and I dismissed the notion of a trip to Nova Scotia, provided of course that he recovers from the coma.

Negotiations: June 25, 2009

I continue negotiations with Mr. Alvarez here in Cuba. My US sources tell me I may have better luck in Nova Scotia. I shall consider a side trip to see wud up wid dat! TTY soon, provided I am not dead, kidnapped, incarcerated, or en route to other regions!

Overview: June 10 thru June 24, 2009

My original diary/message entries have been lost, due to someone sabotaging my computer. Personally, I believe the ability for everyone/anyone to just show up in my apartment whenever they feel like it enticed someone to corrupt my computer…as well as to drink most of my latte’s. I am delighted & amused by the fact they I have yet to purchase a toilet, though they probably just peed in my pools or plants instead…

At any rate, the facts remain, the issues remain: the government is not furnishing those of us in the Witness Protection Program with proper security. They have allowed all sorts of riff-raff into Alton Towers, and tolerate untold numbers to mill about outside the premises (See Photo). At some point, one of us is going to be ‘offed’ due to this blatant lack of safety precautions.


I have taken it upon myself to acquire additional protection from outside sources. Naturally, hiring U.S. Mafioso was out of the question, as most of us are here due to having testified against them. I determined to go to Cuba to seek help. Though I am/was aware that the Cuban Mafioso has U.S. connections, a one Mr. Diego Alvarez was reportedly the leader of an independent ‘family’. I proceeded to make arrangements to fly to Cuba to meet with him, and was able to find a reliable source for the large amounts of valium I required in order to get on a small aircraft filled with sweaty, scowling, non-english speaking men. The trip itself remains quite hazy, though I do recall missing the last step getting off the plane and landing on hands and knees, my skirt flying up over my back and exposing my fine white yo@ss to the entire aircraft crew. I will say, they are all much friendlier towards me now, if not outright flirtatious.


I was shortly directed into the awaiting silver limousine sent by Mr. Alvarez, which whisked me away to a lovely hotel owned by him. After attending to my skinned hands and knees, I was able to rest for several hours before meeting with him...